Archive for August, 2010
It’s amazing how little things in my day to day life remind me of you, of us. Although there are many moments that make me think of you so many times a day, the one that made me miss you all the more today was that instant when I realized you were not nearby to share ice cream with me.
While I was at the store this evening, I saw that ice cream that comes in mini packs that we used to share from time to time. So, without second thoughts, I bought myself one of those. I came home, and promptly sat down to enjoy my ice cream time. And, just like that, thoughts of you, of us enjoying the ice cream together flashed before my eyes.
Thoughts of how we always dig into the cup one after the other taking turns alternatively; of how I always end up grabbing a little more with every spoon and you a little less, so I can have my fair share plus more; of how, regardless of whose turn it really is, you always let me have the last spoon – although not having you around to share an ice cream means I get to savor it all, I miss that joy of looking forward to that last spoon. Simple pleasures.
Remember how the last time you were here I couldn’t wait any longer and ended up eating all the ice cream myself while you were busy doing something else? Remember how you came back to an empty cup and asked me what happened to your share? Remember how I told you that there was another carton in the freezer and that you were more than welcome to have it? And remember how you said you didn’t care for the ice cream but all you wanted was the chance to share it with me? My heart melted.
These seemingly little things that you do – and there are many more, but I’ll save those for some other day – translate to best of love to me.
And like that, many other things / places remind me of you, of us, of the times we’ve spent together. They bring about a warm feeling in me; they make me smile and leave me content. All I need to do when I yearn for that loving hug from you is close my eyes and let the memories do their magic.
There are a million memories now and I can’t wait to add millions more with time.
It’s nighttime, and just the thought that roommate isn’t at home bothers me. Yes, darkness scares me a little.
I had dinner, cleaned the dishes, filled my water bottle and locked myself in my room hours ago…that way I don’t have to go out to the living room or kitchen until the morning hits and there’s plenty of light. I read, watch a few episodes of FRIENDS, read some more, when I get this craving for milk. I tell myself that it will go away, I continue entertaining myself, I do this and that to get my mind off it. But that stubborn craving doesn’t want to leave me alone, so I cave in.
I gather enough courage and open the door. I see the living room lights on; my hearts starts racing.
“What’s going on? Roommate isn’t supposed to be back for another day. And even if she did come back early, I must have heard something – which I definitely didn’t. Why / how are the lights on? What should I do? Call security? Get out of the apartment first?…………………”
Million questions. Ten million answers. All in a matter of fraction of seconds.
I walk out of the room. Two steps into the living room, I realize that I left the lights on before going in. Just in case I had to step out of the room at night.
Phew! Relax! I tell myself. But, I can still hear my own heart beating like crazy…until I come back with the milk and close the door to my room. It’s all good now…heart is calm, mind is quiet.
I read, watch a few episodes of FRIENDS, read some more, when I get this craving…this time for ice-cream.
And the above scene recurs; ditto, frame to frame.
I am not too sharp, I tell ya. This repeating one or two times would have been fine. But I’ve been reacting the same way every single time I’ve walked out of my room in the past two nights. While my brain can spill out infinite number of thoughts in unimaginable speed when it senses something wrong, it can’t keep itself from overreacting. I wonder why.
I woke up wiping some tears this morning…happy tears, I should point out before you misunderstand. Because I dreamed that you were back, that those souls that miss you the most were delighted to see you, that now I can fight with you, hug you, argue with you, find a support system in you again, that our lives returned to the way it was few years ago…content.
I didn’t know I cared so much, but then how can I not? We were, after all, so close. Being there for each other at any cost, spending endless number of hours discussing everything on earth, wishing one another the very best of all, gloating on the other’s success, literally growing up together for years…we were nothing short of what best of friends are. How did all that affection vanish in a jiffy? What happened to that strong bond that we once shared – weren’t we like sisters? Why did you all of a sudden decide that you didn’t need me anymore? Was it all just because I some misunderstanding, that tiny communication gap? As much as I refuse to believe that it was the sole reason…it doesn’t really add up that one small mistake has the power to break a close relationship…that’s what happened. And it hurts.
The first few months after you decided to go your way were the hardest. For the longest time then, tears gave me company more than anything else. I would go to bed crying, wake up sobbing, break down at work, and what not. Along with the fact that I missed you, there were other reasons for me to dwell in the depressed state for who knows how long. I tried calling, visiting, apologizing…but you didn’t seem to care. What other choice did I have but to give up at some point?
Slowly, time did its trick and made me move on with life, adding one other pain to my list of sorrows.
And within a few more months, my ego started playing games. I didn’t want to plead anymore. I didn’t feel like sending emails or making phone calls only to be disappointed to see no reply ever. I didn’t bother to ask how you were, or how life was. I simply didn’t care anymore, except for few moments here and there when someone talks about you, reminds me of you, or brings up the topic of what went wrong. Was I wrong to have stopped trying?
It still hurts just as much to think about the good old days and know that it might never be the same, but I’ve learned to let go.
Now, years after we parted, the pain is in the background, doesn’t bother me much because I am used to it now, I guess. I still have hopes that one day we can both talk things out, that one day we can sit down, yell at each other all we want, and get it over with, that one day things will go back to normal, that one day you will understand me better and I will, you…but until then, do know that there’s a void in my life that nobody else can fill, that I love you just as much as I always did, that without you things won’t ever be the same, that you are one of the most important people in my life.
I have this sudden longing today to see you, to chat with you, to tell you all the things that happened over the years after you left, to hear your voice, to shower you with love…but I know all that’s far from happening. For what it’s worth, I am going to start trying again though, to patch things up…call you, write to you, do whatever it takes. And hope for the best.
See you on the other side.
It was love at first sight.
Look at him. That smile, those eyes – he’s the one.
Endless suspense coming to an end. A lifetime’s dream finally taking shape. Few more days to complete adoption paperwork and she’ll have a baby.
A baby, showered with love. A mother, soaked in bliss. A happy family.
This is my entry for Carry On Tuesday – Prompt #66 – It was love at first sight.
A hug out of the blue.
Always being true.
Full of surprise.
Melting looking into those eyes.
An unexpected lovey-dovey message on a busy day.
Holding hands and finding the way.
A strange thing.
Two hearts tied together with a string.
Sometimes bitter, sometimes sweet.
Dreaming about each other.
Wishing to spend the lifetime together.
Souls drawn together in time.
As soothing as the melody of chime.
Everything that is right.
Worth every plight.
The language of glee.
A kiss, as if it’s the first.
Standing together, even through the worst.
The key to happy living.
The yearning to hear that voice.
A reason to rejoice.
Love is you to me…and that will forever be.