I woke up wiping some tears this morning…happy tears, I should point out before you misunderstand. Because I dreamed that you were back, that those souls that miss you the most were delighted to see you, that now I can fight with you, hug you, argue with you, find a support system in you again, that our lives returned to the way it was few years ago…content.
I didn’t know I cared so much, but then how can I not? We were, after all, so close. Being there for each other at any cost, spending endless number of hours discussing everything on earth, wishing one another the very best of all, gloating on the other’s success, literally growing up together for years…we were nothing short of what best of friends are. How did all that affection vanish in a jiffy? What happened to that strong bond that we once shared – weren’t we like sisters? Why did you all of a sudden decide that you didn’t need me anymore? Was it all just because I some misunderstanding, that tiny communication gap? As much as I refuse to believe that it was the sole reason…it doesn’t really add up that one small mistake has the power to break a close relationship…that’s what happened. And it hurts.
The first few months after you decided to go your way were the hardest. For the longest time then, tears gave me company more than anything else. I would go to bed crying, wake up sobbing, break down at work, and what not. Along with the fact that I missed you, there were other reasons for me to dwell in the depressed state for who knows how long. I tried calling, visiting, apologizing…but you didn’t seem to care. What other choice did I have but to give up at some point?
Slowly, time did its trick and made me move on with life, adding one other pain to my list of sorrows.
And within a few more months, my ego started playing games. I didn’t want to plead anymore. I didn’t feel like sending emails or making phone calls only to be disappointed to see no reply ever. I didn’t bother to ask how you were, or how life was. I simply didn’t care anymore, except for few moments here and there when someone talks about you, reminds me of you, or brings up the topic of what went wrong. Was I wrong to have stopped trying?
It still hurts just as much to think about the good old days and know that it might never be the same, but I’ve learned to let go.
Now, years after we parted, the pain is in the background, doesn’t bother me much because I am used to it now, I guess. I still have hopes that one day we can both talk things out, that one day we can sit down, yell at each other all we want, and get it over with, that one day things will go back to normal, that one day you will understand me better and I will, you…but until then, do know that there’s a void in my life that nobody else can fill, that I love you just as much as I always did, that without you things won’t ever be the same, that you are one of the most important people in my life.
I have this sudden longing today to see you, to chat with you, to tell you all the things that happened over the years after you left, to hear your voice, to shower you with love…but I know all that’s far from happening. For what it’s worth, I am going to start trying again though, to patch things up…call you, write to you, do whatever it takes. And hope for the best.
See you on the other side.