Monologue

Am I really doing this? Seldom do I do something to surprise myself (or others, for that matter), and this seems to be one of those rare episodes. Am I wasting one of my life’s few precious moments of showcasing my ability to challenge, push and amaze myself on something as simple as this? If so, shouldn’t I be contemplating putting it to better use? Where am I deriving this energy from? Does it matter? Shouldn’t I be enjoying it while it lasts rather than questioning my every step forward? Yeah, let me do that.

I wonder how many people there are out there who are like me, drawing pleasure from something as uncomplicated as putting one put ahead of the other and moving. Here I am doing it one day out of the blue and experiencing elation. So, what about those souls I see doing the same every sing day? Do they all feel the same sense of achievement? They should, shouldn’t they? Especially, given that most of them do it day after day.

Look at her strutting along enjoying that yogurt. Was that her reward for walking the trail? Or was the stroll merely an inconvenience and a compromise to get to the store? There’s a difference, yes. But let that be. She looks so contented in her skin. Why can’t I ever reach that level of peace and comfort in my own body? Where does my insecurity stem from? Is it from the teenage days when I was called fat left, right and center? Or is it from other recent happenings, such as how almost all the jeans I own put up a fight every time I try to button up, or my eternal love for indolence, or the awful second half of the past year, etc.? 2013, what a nightmare that was. I sure am glad that is over. I don’t even want to linger in the shadow of its thoughts. It has made me a much bitter person than before; for better or for worse, only time can tell. Oh well, anyway, back to the weight-ier issue – perhaps it’s the combination of it all. I do hope that one day, someday I am able to reach a point where I am confident in my own shoes.

Speaking of shoes, I like this new pair. It’s been working out well so far. My right leg still feels a little stuffy in there, but I think that’s mainly because I usually tie it way too tight. Should I loosen it now, let some air in and give the new setting a shot. Yes, let me do that.

Whoa, where did he come from? One second I was down there tying my shoelace and he was nowhere in sight, and the next second he’s marching right up to me as I am finishing the task and getting up. Oh yeah, there’s that curve there; of course, I didn’t spot him before, how could I have? What’s he sipping? Coffee. What’s his story? Is he out to enjoy the unusual Spring like day amidst the cold winter weather, or is he out because of some inevitable situation? That smile on his face makes him so incredibly handsome. The instant his lips widen for a grin, all those wrinkles from the five or more decades of his life rearrange into elegance that only age can bring.

Wow, ok it’s not too far now. A little over a minute and I can be on my way back. Wait, why is that woman turning around before reaching the end of the path? Can’t she take a few more steps and make it to the absolute finish line before returning? Should I follow her suit; it sure will save me a few steps and some strength. But wait, I can’t. I must turn around only at the end. Sometimes, I think my some of my obsessive compulsiveness fixations are a boon. Like now. It drives me, even if only a little. Here I am… now I can head back without that nagging thought in my head telling me I didn’t see it through completely. Because I did. I took every single step that I should have and I made them all count. There.

There they are! Ah well, I must tell the partner that I saw them today also. We’ve seen these two foreign-language-speaking gals all those summer evenings that we’d stepped out for walks. And then we stopped going. I bet they never ended their ritual, though. They always have something to talk about. There’s hardly any moments of silence between these two. And that hasn’t changed at all. What fun!

Why aren’t there any kids around? Shouldn’t they be enjoying this warm day? Are they just out playing on the streets or their backyards? I sure hope so.

Remember that the neighbor once mentioned she spotted a white deer along this path? Where is it? Why do I not notice such splendors when I am out?

I wonder if the partner has made plans for the evening. I am definitely pumped to go home, get ready and spend some time with friends.

I am getting exhausted, little by little. But there’s still so far to go. I wish the partner were here. He would’ve pushed me. His words do give me the impetus to carry on. It irks me a little when he does that, yes, but he means well, always, so I don’t mind it so much. On the other hand, though, had the partner tagged along, I may not have come this far before facing weariness. I would’ve spent some of my energy talking, making me reach this point much earlier. So, I guess it’s all good. Let me just take a sip of water and move along before it gets dark.

Ahh, I can see the main road. I am there. Almost. I can’t believe it, still. I jogged (at an extremely slow pace, but whatever). That too for about a mile and half. Without killing myself. Without stopping every few seconds, like I used to. Without giving up. My stamina sure seems to have improved. Or has it really? If I tried the same thing tomorrow, I may feel the drop in my endurance level, I may huff and puff, as usual, with every step. So I guess this is no big deal. But, let me, for now, enjoy today’s feat and worry about tomorrow’s inability when the time comes.

Home. Here it is. Alive and well. Here I am. Ding-dong, I ring the bell. Out comes the partner to open the door and give me a big bear hug. Life is good.

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  1. #1 by Revs on February 3, 2014 - 6:17 pm

    “The instant his lips widen for a grin, all those wrinkles from the five or more decades of his life rearrange into elegance that only age can bring” – Kavidhai Kavidhai!! Did I tell you how much I missed reading you when you were off the blog world and then me? *sniff* Hugs! So good to read something from you. And oh, nee ivlo ellam paesuviya/yosipiya? 😉 Talking about new shoes, I bought a new pair on saturday! Don’t tell Comfy! I told her 10 days ago, that I won’t shop anymore this season. But oh well, I’ll tell my famous last words – “This is the last thing I’m getting this season. No more” 😀

    aww thank you, revs. i missed you too.
    i always find a way to use that ‘this is the last thing i’ll buy for a long time now, i promise’ more than i should 😛

    Like

  2. #2 by The Girl in Blue Jeans on February 4, 2014 - 1:15 am

    😀 Oh yes it is!
    I can’t jog beyond a kilometer, at ANY place. Ugh.

    i can’t either. not regularly, that is. this was one of the rarest of rare days. i wish for more, but i would only be kidding myself 😛

    Like

  3. #3 by kismitoffeebar on February 4, 2014 - 3:40 am

    Titaxy, I loved this post 🙂

    thank you!

    Like

  4. #4 by Lavender on February 4, 2014 - 10:13 am

    Loved this post.. What a train of thoughts! 🙂

    thank you!

    Like

  5. #5 by aarya on February 4, 2014 - 4:54 pm

    When will such a day come in my life? Oh, I know. Never 😦
    You keep it up, Titaxy. I wish I were in your shoes, literally.

    I don’t know about keeping it up, but it was fun that one time 😉

    Like

  6. #6 by Mi on February 4, 2014 - 11:20 pm

    I loved this post!! 🙂 You are a brilliant writer!

    thanks a lot for the kind words, Mi!

    Like

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