Archive for category Confused
…wonders the heart and wanders into a dream that will remain just that, a dream.
Would you let it go already? Why did you have to build castles in the air even before things started to take shape? Why were so overly confident that you didn’t even take a minute to think about other possibilities? If you hadn’t done all that, maybe this wouldn’t have come as such a big disappointment.
…retorts the mind.
But…but I was only being optimistic. I just can’t understand why it didn’t work out.
…cries the heart.
It wasn’t meant to be, that’s why. Everything happens for a reason, don’t you know? Something better is waiting just around the corner…so quit being so upset and don’t give up hope yet. I need you with me so we can move on, OK?
…the mind tries to pacify the heart.
…the heart nods. But there’s still that twinge of regret deep somewhere and so, it goes back to wandering and wondering…
I don’t know. My answer seems to change with my mood. So, I can’t decide.
Whenever things go as per plans and as long as there is an open window to bring some fresh air in…I find myself rooting for hope.
But…every once in a while, things go downhill. Everything. Every Little Thing. Unexpected twists and unwanted turns pop up all around. Nothing looks promising. In times like those, as much as I want to keep my head up and say I can fight through all of this, I find myself burying it between my legs and crying like a helpless child. I wake up with a strong will to face the day, no matter what and I go to bed with a heavy heart. I try to indulge myself in all the smallest pleasures possible so I can forget little issues, but I find my way back to square one, the anxious mind.
That’s when I get lost.
And I slowly start to lose the strength to hope.
What do I do then?
If today were your last day on earth, can you, with confidence, tell me that you have lived your life to the fullest?
I know I can’t.
My grandfather once told me that at some point during our journey called life we recognize our true potential and then it is totally up to us as to whether or not we use it to give a meaning to our time in this world. And that not many do.
As far as I am concerned, I don’t know what I want to do or where I am headed. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely content with my current life. Still, every now and then, a voice pops up in my head and asks me if this is all there is to life. And I tell myself that it can’t be.
On the one hand, I’ve done everything so far in life to get to where I am right now. I can proudly say that I am now at a point which I had always dreamed of. And that feels great. I have a caring family, I love my job, I am financially, mentally, physically stable, my parents, my sisters and everyone that matters are happy, and all that.
On the other hand, I am not sure if all this will be enough in the long run. It doesn’t make much sense to think that, if I live to be 60 all that would matter to me then would still be the same – a nice home, family, job, etc. Something doesn’t quite seem right there. Because I know I want more than just all that.
I am not working towards becoming a millionaire someday…sure I would like to have it if it comes along the way, but money is not what I am after. I don’t dream of getting married and having kids to pass on my genes…sure I would like to have a family someday, but that is not all I want. I am no scientist material…sure I would love to invent something, but who am I kidding, I know I don’t belong the super genius crowd.
Clearly, I understand what I am not aiming for…but that doesn’t give me an answer to what I want.
All I know is that I want to do something that goes beyond satisfying my / my family’s / my friends’ needs. Something that would make a difference…bring about change in someones life. But of course, I still don’t know what that something is or when I will figure it all out. I can only hope that I remember I want to do something and I do it when I get to that point.
Please do share…have you recognized that potential of yours yet? Do you know what you want to get out of life? If you do, how did you figure it out?
Sometimes I wish I lived in a world that was different.
A world where everybody is nice. A world where there are only happy endings. A world where people never have to taste deceit. A world that is full of people wearing smiley faces and open arms.
Because then there won’t be people that betray you. Because that way there won’t be a “friend” that back stabs you. Because then there won’t be anything called jealousy. Because that way there won’t be any fake feelings.
But, hey, what’s the fun in that? – I ask myself…and come right back to being content with the world that I am in.
That doesn’t stop me from taking trips to my fantasy land though…as SB always reminds me.
Every once in a while I like to believe that I live in a world that revolves around me.
A world where I’m smarter than the what I am now. A world where I’m the taller than most of the others. A world where what I say is always right. A world where all my dreams come true.
Because in that world everyone likes me. Because there nobody ever judges me. Because in that world I don’t have to do anything to please anyone. Because there everyone is honest, straightforward and kind.
But then, that’s just my fantasy land, remember?
Anything make sense? No? Good. That was the point.
Hello…all set for six?
Yeah, I’ll see you at the library.
Library? No…the museum, remember?
Museum? That’s on the other side of the town…won’t help if we are to reach Ann’s by seven…come to the library, ok?
Ann, who? Who am I talking to?
Oh, I’m sorry, I think I dialed the wrong number.
Lame, I know. But many such “wrong number calls” would’ve happened before the days of caller-id, I’m sure.
Have a great weekend, folks !
…is what kept me away from home last evening. Yupe, went to see this Shakespearean play at the Common yesterday. It was fun, this being my first theater experience in the US and all. The performance was amazing, weather was perfect, and all this for free.
What more can one ask for, you are thinking, right?
Well, just a little bit of ‘keep your mouth shut’ exercise when the play is going on, I must say.
There was this bunch of people sitting behind us chatting with one another non-stop…especially about how they don’t understand what’s going on and how it’s all just too confusing.
To the smarty-pant bunch,
If you don’t understand or don’t seem to like it, then leave. Yeah, it’s as simple as that. Don’t sit around saying ‘Kya Shakespeare, kya comedy. I don’t get it. Blah Blah.’ That just makes you sound like an ill-mannered idiot. Yes, that’s right. Besides, it makes it hard for the others sitting around you to concentrate on something they like and enjoy. So stop yapping and leave. Just leave. Good for you, good for us!
Anyway…yeah, I had a great experience, overall.
Now to what I, apparently, did while watching the play (‘apparently’ because I do not recall doing it. 😦 ).
After the play, as I was getting up to leave, I realized that my legs were buried under grass. Ok fine, I might be exaggerating it a bit, but there really was soooo much grass on me, if not me being buried in it. And the only logical thing that seemed to me at that time was to blame SB for doing it. Because he was the one sitting next to me, so I immediately assumed he did it. I went on and on accusing the man every 2 seconds as and when I saw ants crawling on me.
Me blaming him for doing it and him claiming he didn’t do it went on until he explained how I could’ve done it to myself without realizing what I was doing.
‘HUH?’ I thought.
He said that I might have been too engrossed in the play, just as he was, and might not have consciously registered that I pulled out all the grass around me just to decorate my otherwise plain lap and legs.
As much as that clarification made sense to me, it just makes me sad. My tiny little brain can only remember pulling out 2 grasses. Yes, it remembers two, exactly two, no more. It can’t remember the two thousand that were merrily resting on me :-(.
Bah. I’m just hopeless!
My mind tries hard to focus on one thing or another.
My heart always wants to wander in your memories, rather.
Without you around, time seems to stand still.
Days and nights don’t seem to give me thrill.
I feel lost when I’m away from you.
I go here and there in search of you.
You are my heart and you will always be.
Come back soon to forever be with me.